i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
