I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
