in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
