I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
