We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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