Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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