i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
