Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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