I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
