Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
