Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
