How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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