I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
