Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
