I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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