The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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