He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
