I think my vagina is haunted
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
FUCK WHALES
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
