if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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