my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
