My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
