How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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