I will die if light touches me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
