Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
