I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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