Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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