I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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