Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
