I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
