I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
