im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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