im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
