Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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