I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
