I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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