The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nicole vs. Life
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
