Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
