Betty ford says i'm here all night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
