This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
