Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
