if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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