My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
