so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
