I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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