Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
