I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
