Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
