You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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