he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
