I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
