What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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